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I had an interesting week last week. Two episodes that caused me to further consider my life, where I came from, where I am today, and where I am going...
I met with my friend Karen to discuss the World Water Forum project sponsored by my agency. She works for Redlands University, so I wanted to give her info on the program as well as get contacts from other colleges and universities.
She introduced me to her boss...
A hard, driving, ball-breaking, tough woman who will stop at nothing to "hit her target". OMG, it was like looking in a rear view mirror. Seeing myself as I was...many years ago. RB Graphic days, Wilden days, and to "some" extent Altura and Eastern. Chasing, chasing, and never getting to the end...Exhausting, tiring, depleting...
Over time, living my life with Jamie has changed me. I think it has changed him too. Over time, barely noticable. Like a frog in cold water, the water gets warmer, warmer, hotter, hotter - until it finally is boiled and dies - yet never noticing... This is how I feel. The old me...is dead..in many ways...
I no longer have this indeterminable urge to climb the corporate ladder. To seek money, title, the corner office, the men, status, "things". I had all of this. All the things the world promises will make you happy, at peace, but NEVER does.
Yet, being with this woman brought it all back. I was interested. Network mode - let's stay in touch. Keep me in mind. I could feel it - yet not feel it. Something did not feel quite right...
I called Folly, I called my mom, I talked to Jamie...my go to network. The people I tell everything to. After talking it out, I realized, no that is not what I want. It sounded good talking like the old me. Gettin' in the groove. Sound bites. Buzz words. Selling yourself. Being sold...
But, to be that person again...NO WAY!!!!
Then, I was at MWD. Meeting with a young, up-and comer. Yet, he has a personality that could either get him far. Or get him over-looked. Not knowing when you shut up. Saying too much. Uncouth.
In our meeting he made 2 comments:
1. About our house. He golfs. We were discussing local golf courses. Saying I hoped maybe Jamie and I could get into golf. Option1: Canyon Crest, which caters to a broad group of people and is affordable. Option 2: Victoria Club, which caters to the "elite". He encouraged Canyon Crest because the if the Victoria Club people knew where I lived they would snub their nose at me.
2. He was telling me if he ever took a job in Riverside it would be with a particular agency. Well, after my recent meeting with the ball-breaker I went into network mode. However, he did not get into "how cool would it be to work together mode". Hmmmm.....
Another conversation with my peeps: Mom, Folly, Jamie.
Conclusion...
All of this made me realize I am where I need to be. And, as I move forward, I don't want to move backward. I don't want to be the person I used to be. Been there, done that! No need to do it again.
And, I know for sure Jamie and I don't want to be part of the "elite crowd". I used to play heavy politics in Riverside and was very connected. Now, not so much. One night a friend of mine invited Jamie and me to a New Comer's party. There, were all the "intellectual elites". Conversations about how awesome they were. Trying to impress each other. One arrogant aristocrat cornered Jamie talking about his house on Poppycock Hill. All Jamie wanted to talk about was surfing. Jamie and I could not get out of there fast enough. We don't want to fit in with these people. So we don't care what they think about our house. As evidenced by this blog, this house is filled with love. If they don't like my house - tough shit!!!!! I DO!!! Because it is more than a house. It is a home. It is my peace and my joy.
As far as the next job. The networking. What do I want? I want to retire! Why do I work. To secure my future. To be able to live independently. Not looking for an easy way out. Healthcare. I need to be sure I have access to health care. And, NO, I DON'T WANT OBAMA CARE!!!!!! Have you been to the DMV lately????? I don't want to depend on government supplied cheese, health care, welfare, or unemployment. Unless, I really HAD to.
I want to be able to work a couple of more years, secure my retirment, access to health care, pay off debt, made a few improvements to our house - and then retire. I want to back pack whereever I go with my husband. Using public transporation, finding hotel deals, and meeting new friends along the way. Or, get a real cool RV be "Fair Groupies". Follow the county fairs throughout the US. Or train trip. Take Amtrack throughout the US. Taking public transportation when we can. Or renting a car if needed.
I want to live my life. Slowly. Unnoticing the subtle changes as I go along the way. Small steps to a new journey. I want the water to be turned up gradually. Slowly, warming, heating up. Doing it with class (I am stealing this line from Jamie). I am still learning how to do the classy thing, but I am working on it...
Until the end...
Who will I be tomorrow? Who will I be in 10 years? 20 years? 30 years? I don't know. But what I do know is I don't want to go back. I want to evolve. A slow, gradual process. Living, then dying...
Who will I be when that time comes? Only God knows...
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